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Hasan Malik is a master of awkward moments and creating unnecessary pauses... being normal is so boring. Trust me I've tried being average it's just not for me. So please join in moments of awkward platypusness and itchy souls because it's good for your health. Random is the name of the game. Internet, Check ✓

Thursday, December 31, 2009

...flat foot

Now I could take the time to explain in an entire post why I've been absent practically the entire month. But its like when you get caught red handed on camera, with fingerprints, along with a stadium full of eye witnesses, a written and signed confession, three forms of identification, and semen at the scene of the crime. And the judge asks you to explain yourself. It's like why? I mean that could some how serve a purpose but why??? You feel me? I mean I could do that...
...Or i could just write the next post as if nothing has happened and I've actually been posting every day this month, and I'm looking at ya'll all weird cuz ya'll aint been reading them!!! I mean whats up with that?!?! I been posting, ya'll just aint been reading!!
I mean why make this sociable acceptable by explaining ones self and giving reasons for things. Much more awkward of me to just trail of mid sent...

What you know about killer platypus?

...Lmao! I love how he just crushed your dreams by letting you know that cats and dogs just die and ended the video, sorry there's no hope at all for Spike or Fluffy.

my soul brushed against some poison oak
my elbows itch
promise I'll be back in the next millennium
stay random

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Ain't That Some Shit

Soul Sisters and Itchy Brothers, greetings from this side of the platypus patch. So I've been holding onto this picture for sometime now and I've been debating on whether or not to make it public. But since I'm currently intoxicated and am having trouble focusing, I'm not sure if ill be able to properly rant for you guys. So I think I'ma just give ya'll a very vague metaphor that may mean nothing at all, or it may mean everything (heck it might be the last answer to the crossword puzzle that you've been holding onto all week).
I've recently been cleaning out the closet of my life and getting rid of the baggy jeans that I'm never gona fit, and giving away the white tee's that my mother should have slapped me for buying. And if you guys have ever done spring cleaning (yes I'm aware that its winter) then you know how delecate and intricate the shit is, you just dont wana let go of anything. Lol, it's like you can find a million reasons why you need something that has been in your closet for years untouched. But that's your mind talking, because your soul knows when it's time to move on ("onwards and upwards" as they say). And there's just no getting around it, if the universe is telling you to put that shit in ya rearview then it makes no sense to fight it. Because eventually the universe will stop suggesting it, and just slap you in the fucking (this word was used purely for shock value and to add to the intensity of the slap that the universe will be deliverying) face. So the trick is to be able to recognize these signs when they appear, that's where a lot of us run into problems sprinting through life too fast, not paying attention to the sign that's says "this sign will be blury if read while moving quickly"....
I'm really sorry guys but drunk is in a boxing match with awake right now, and I'm sorry to report that awake is about two more jabs and an upper cut away from being put to sleep. So I'ma have to cut this extended metaphor short and just leave you with this line and allow you powerful souls to fill in all the witty stuff that I woulda said had i wrote it...

"I realized that shit happens, maturity is when you are able to recognized it before it has to spell itself out..."

Aint that some shit...
Still an itchy soul signing off
till next time
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Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear King,

Hello soulful itches, sorry to those of you who were hosed into thinking that there was a new post earlier just to come to the page and seen a blank post (my bad!! jeesh get off my back about it ok, im still new to this blogging thing). I'll try my best not to misfire again in the future.

So this is a response to a friend of mine who is going through a rather tough situation. But now that I think about it, it actually might be me giving my own damn self advice because I'm also being challenged by the universe in similar ways. But then again I might in fact be addressing you and the shit that you been dealing with for awhile now (so pretty much just get in where you fit in, is what I'm tryna say).

Dear King,
I know this shit is tough right now, I know that the other Autobots and I have been telling you to just pack your shit and leave and I know how not simple it is to just do that. But we just don't want to see our comrade to become one of the fallen. Sometimes a relationship between two people who love each other very much can become poisonous, because you know as well as I know that ya'll need to be on the same wavelength. Two souls can not grow together if one stops to tie it's shoelace and the other one is still pushing forward. And blame doesn't need to be placed here, because everyone is at a certain point in their souls mission and journey and you can't speed that up or slow it down. It proceeds when its suppose to. the question that you need to ask yourself is, are you hindering your progress by staying waiting around in this situation. I know that you've wanted to be there for support and to help pick up the pieces, but sometimes it's just not your puzzle to piece together (sometimes it's just one of those tricky ass fifthteen hundred piece puzzles where the picture is like the ocean or just just the color red, and you mad confused cuz all the pieces look alike, and it just be sitting on your coffee table for like six months and you ain't put not one piece together because you just stumped outa your friggin mind), sometimes that person need to find motivation within themselves and that's nothing that you can help them with. Because self preservation has to kick in at some point, you told me that you feel like you're holding a hand grenade without a pin in it (ayo that's not safe homie, you could possibly lose at the least hand or worse fuck up one of my shirts if I happen to be standing next to you and I get splattered with bloody finger fragments [that shit ain't cool kid]). I told you before that you can't run from the truth, trust me I've tried nigga the truth is like Michael Myers with GPS, no matter how fast your ass run, that nigga just always seems to catch you at a slow and steady walking pace (and mutha fuckas gotta knife!!!). So face that fact that you know what you know. Face the fact that you've giving this person so many months of you waiting patiently for them to see the beauty in what it is that you have to offer. Face the fact that you've reached the point of no return. Because until you do, you've be stuck exactly where you are (with a fifthteen hundred piece puzzle of the color red). And if you allow yourself to stand still you possibly might miss one or two queens who are actually ready to love you for who you are right now. I mean you already know king, that I want nothing more than you for you to be completely happy, We Autobots are at war with the Deceptijawns and we must protect that last bit of the spark that we have left. Don't lose that last bit of light king, cuz that shit ain't easy to get back (you can't just find that shit on ebay or amazon). But then sometimes you've got those situations where you just decide that no matter what ya'll gona ride this bitch until the wheels fly off, and if ya'll go out, then ya'll go out with a bang together. If that's what you what then I can respect that as well. But I've heard that pain in your voice, just like your heard in mine not too long ago. Your soul is bleeding right now and band aide ain't fixing these gashes. So just pause, take a deep breath and listen to the universe. I love you king.
Autobots! Unite!
This is Platypus Prime, if this message reaches you, please know that your not alone

this is a recently bandaged soul, signing off
till next time
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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Beautiful As Can Be

So it's 5:30 in the morning and my soul for awhile has been feeling so heavy under the gravity on this planet. And for the longest time I've wanted to evaporate and just live as condensation on the glass ceiling of the universe. Because for I don't know how long it has just felt so unfair, like why me? But today I realized that I've been reading the tea leaves wrong, I've been running from this weight been pressed against the shoulders of my spirit, instead of flipping the script and hitting the gym to work out my calve and thigh muscles so that I can hold up this weight with ease. I've been begging and pleading with gOd asking her why has she been drawlin on me so crazy. And she speaks to me in broken english so i don't fully understand what she's saying but you get the gist of it (sorta like the koreans in the corner store, you not quite sure what the hell they be saying but somehow you always get what you ordered). And she told me "Beautiful (that what she calls me) the reason I been getting on you so heavy is because I knows that A. You can handle the weight of mount everest on your back while juggling chainsaws in one hand and doing taxes and macroeconomics with the other and B. Because once I lift this weight from around your being I need you to go and tell everyone what it means to really be alive. and Beautiful only you have the voice and the words beautiful enough to deliver this message to the people. Because I made you beautiful, Beautiful...
I love you."

so tonight my awkward soul doesn't feel as itchy, signing off
till next time
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Stephen Quire...A Distraught Soul

Hello Kings, Queens, and Jesters! Day three of this itchy experience, and I am having fun. I appreciate all of the feedback that I'm getting from you all, apparently I enhanced someones ganja high after they read yesterdays post and laughed to the point of tears (you still owe me money sucka, don't think I forgot just cuz I shouted you out on a post). And I'm glad that I can at least distract you from the normalcy of life for a least 6 minutes and 55 seconds (which is the average time ya'll spend on my page according histats.com, so say hola to the little counter doohicky at the bottom of my page) out of the day .
So people have been asking me what I want from the blog thingy that I've created here, and honestly I'm not sure yet. I think I've just gotten to a point where my head has filled up with so much nonsensical bullshit and my brain needed to take a leak (so I hope you guys wash your hands before leaving, WATCH OUT FOR H1N1!!! SWINE FLU IS A PLANE FULL OF COPS CRASHING INTO THE SUPERDOME AFTER KATRINA, THAT SHIT BE KILLING NIGGAS!!!) and this here blog is the result of that. But this is only the infant stages, where we testing the waters seeing what works and what doesn't. So I need ya'll to let me know what ya'll like and what ya'll don't like, so that I can precisely and accurately deliver the randomness. And let's make this an open ended conversation, even though I enjoy being the center of attention. I wana hear from ya'll as well, respond to a post with like a paragraph long ass thought if you want or send me a message in my in box. You can ask me questions if you like and I can answer them in my next post, we'll make a "ask an itchy soul" post out of it or something, and you can remain anonymous if you want, I won't put you on blast. Oh yea! And tell people about my blog if you enjoy it, I know I've left my link on a bunch of ya'll wall, but I dont wana have to keep harassing ya'll that's no fun, so ya'll harass for me, lol. The more itchy souls we get the more platypusness (this word by the way is very dangerous I've discovered, if you say it out of your mouth the wrong way...whatever just be careful with the way you use it is all I'm saying...[its actual definition is actually still up in the air so I'm open to suggestions]) we can have.

Sadly though today is gona be kinda busy for me so I don't know if I'll be able to rant and rave much as I'd like to, I'll be out and about pretty much all day. Ending up hopefully at The Harvest, Philly's most popping open mic, starting around 7pm! (Shameless plug) Its at the Hibachi of Penns Landing (I want 10% Vision). So if you come out tonight and see me, please walk up and scratch my soul.

So since I'm in some what of a hurry but don't wana leave you lovely people empty handed. Please enjoy the antics of this young fellow, that a certain big haired friend of mine introduced me to. His name is Stephen Quire, and his brother is the coolest mutha fucka on the planet. Stephen is a perfect example of why you should beat the shit out of you children. Because if you don't they might turn into this crazy ass "son of a bitch" as his grandmother put it (but crazy thing about that is if he's a son of a bitch and that bitch is her daughter, what in turn does that make her? Think about it).

But with out further ado
I present to you...Stephen Quire

Remote up ass = Pause

How does he scream so loud and not lose his voice I wonder. Homies got a hell a diaphragm

His brother knew he was gona do that shit, that truck was ugly as fuck!

^^^^But do remember that his mother did tell him that it was something he could beat it up...

I guess the oven was out of the question...

My dad has had his guitar for about 23 years, if i did this to his, i'd no longer be alive

Grandma is pretty gangsta I have to admit

Every dog has it's day I guess...

So by now you know the deal
this is an itchy awkward soul signing off
till next time
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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Scratching Nostalgia

Hello pretty people! It's me again, this is day two of my scratchy soul encounters. Glad to have you back.

Sooo anyway I was out somewhere about a week ago in NY on the train I believe, and I overheard a conversation between a lady and a gent sitting a few seats away. Now I wasn't listening in on their convo, but the young lady was speaking loud enough for a respectable-minding their own business-not eves dropping person like myself to know what they were conversing about anyway. So I was catching bit and pieces of it, you know nothing serious. But then the young lad had accused the afore mentioned gal of leaving trash of some sort in his coat pockets. Upon being accused she proceeded to suck her teeth and said "...nigga they ain't mines!"
Now you know how when you going through your regular day life and you just hear stuff buzzing around you? And certain things might jump out and catch your ear. And because of euphonious brainwashing we finish the line or phrase with what we've been conditioned to.

For example: I was talking to a big haired friend of mine last night and I believe she was playing music or something inspired her to say, "skip it". And instantly the jingle from my childhood pops into my head, and thanks to the glory of youtube I then looked up the commercial and began to sing along. "Hey now kids come gather round, see what just skipped into town! Skip-It, Skip-It, do a good jump, do a hop! Skip-It, Skip-It, twirlin' and a-whirlin' and a bop-she-bop! And the very best thing of all, there's a counter on this ball. So try and keep your very best score, see if you can jump a whole lot more!''

....Anyway so my point being you know those trigger words that are like engrained in you brain forever and ever?

For example #2: If I was to ask you what is "more fun than a pillow fight?" unless you never watch at least a half hour of nickelodeon as a child. You would already know off the bat that Sock em Boppers are, duh!

So anyway I've digressed, back to the train ride. Once I heard her say "...they ain't mines!" i instantly completed the phrase with "...they Bebe's kids!" (Long winded I know)

So after that moment passed Bebe's kids phrases kept popping into my head. "we dont die! we multiply!" Its has to have been about twelve years since I last saw that movie. And for some reason I remember it being off limits to me. My parents tried to protect me from the evils of the world. But I think I seen it over at my cousins house anyway. (PARENTS!!! STOP TRYING TO SHELTER KIDS, SHIT DONT WORK) Needless to say I didn’t remember a damn thing about the movie sitting on the train so I forgot about it.

So fast forward to last night/this morning (really hard to distinguish) I was bored in front of my laptop and seen a video on youtube with a clip from "the PJ's", which then reminded me of Bebe and her bad ass kids. So I look up the movie and of course youtube has it so conveniently chopped into eight, ten minute long videos for my viewing pleasure. And upon watching it again now twenty years old and with a lot more analytical capabilities, I ran into a problem. This shit is mad problematic. But they played it off so well that I almost didn’t catch it.

(ok so if you haven't seen the movie i'ma explain it for you but i'ma need to get niggerish on you to do it, so just be warned)
So homeboy Rob see this really fly shawty that he tryna bag at dis funeral and shit ("and shit" was so unnecessarily placed right there, but it actually fits! crazy!). So he go and holla at her, and she brush him off not tryna give him no play, you kno how jawns be, den she like if you tryna get wit this then you gona have to get wit my son too. And he like, shiiit im down!! aint nuthin but a thing to distract a lil kid. So he like ight ill pick you and the lil man up and take ya'll to Funworld tomorrow. So da next day he come through and now dis jawn got like three mo lil kids runnin round!!! He wtf!! so anyway dem lil muhfuckas aint hers, they Bebe's kids and she just lookin after them. ok so fast-forward, the day at the park is just full stupidness, kids just breaking shit. Rob's crazy ass chick that he used to mess wit was there drawlin hard as hell, and the white man who own the park is tryna keep the brothas down basically. ok fast-forward end of the movie. Now Rob ben bitchin and moanin for the whole flick about these badass kids and how they test tube babies and all that. So when he drop them off a Bebe's spot he wana go in and give jawn a piece of his mind. Turns out Bebe aint even home and its like one in da mornin and the fridge is empty kids is hungry, and the pizza man dont delivery to they part of the neighborhood no mo (go figure). Oh yea an the daddy aint around. So as much as Rob hated them lil nigglets he had to feel sorry for them (of course he did, its in the script). But he leaves them anyway gets into an argument shawty, drops her off and now he's out two fifty and aint got no butt to show for it (damn...smh). So to make an already short story even shorter he's at the bar feeling bad bout just leaving them there, and decides to go back for them, as he exits the bar shawty is standing there with all them bad ass kids in the car and every bodies happy and the take a trip to Vegas to go wreck more shit, and everybody lives happily ever after right?....WRONG!!!!!

Niggas just tried to deceive the hell outa me. That ending didn’t solve shit! All it did was prolong the inevitable trip back home for the kids walk into an empty crib, with an empty fridge, with an absent possibly crack addicted mother, and dead beat nowhere to be found father. All that movie accomplished to tell me was that life is fucked up, and it sucks, and aint shit you can do about it except distract yourself at "funworld" and a getaway to vegas. But eventually you gona have to bring your poor ass back to the hood and thats the way the cookie crumbles...

Sooo...im not sure where I was going with that just kinda tranced out a lil bit. But it's cool, because that's why we're here, for awkward tantrums and itchy rationalizations. Pretty much I think my point was something along the lines that back in the day we just took all that stuff in without looking deeper into it. Some of us where able to just make it entertainment, but then others seen it as reality. And I mean look at us today, ain't shit changed, we just got better graphics...
Well i think that’s enough from my irritated spirit today...
Once again, this is an itchy awkward soul signing off
till next time
stay random

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