Friday, October 28, 2011
"so you are crying for help from everywhere but you wont take the help that I try to give you... you have to want to help yourself first and you arent doing that. stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel like i am being hard on you but i have given you a nice reaction every time you go through this and its time for you to stand up for your own happiness and well being. you are waiting around for something to fall into your hands. its not going to especially not with the way you are doing things. one of the reasons you are unhappy is because you arent doing enough baby you have to actively seek out the things that you want or at least start thinking about your life in terms of things that matter to you or else no matter where you run to or what you run from or who you are with you will not be happy you will run yourself crazy for the rest of your life"
So it's taking some time but I've finally taken your advice. Sadly it took me pushing you completely away to get to where I am now but sometimes that's the only way that the hard headed learn. You were right, there was nothing that you could have done for me. It wasn't until I decided to stop sitting in my own shit that I finally stood up. Depression is an evil bitch holding a mirror, no one ever wants to admit that it's themselves that's been holding them back for so long. It always feels better to point a finger, "the world is fucked up that's why nothing goes right for me". It's so much easier, when the culprit is something that is really big and out of your control. Four years and I'm just now beginning to understand what the hell my problem was in the first place. I was too damn smart for my own good. Nobody could tell me I was wrong. And when someone finally did, it hit me like a louiseville to the back of the head. I was down for a long time...I created some great poetry though, and that's always the reason to stay somewhere for artist. "I'm depressed but my creations have never been better". That's bullshit, but hey that's the thing about hindsight. You can't have it until it's behind you. And now it's behind me. I've had many things that I've loved and wanted to do with my life, but never did because the thought of failing again constantly haunted me. And you can't fail if you never try, right? I've used every distraction possible to fill the space in my life drugs, sex, sleep, and the list goes on. But I can say that the most sobering moment I've ever had was from the very bottom looking up. Looking up at all the possibilities. Things that could be. Everything is a step up when you wake up in hell. I remember watching 'What Dreams May Come' with you and asking you if you'd go to hell to find me and bring me back. I now realize that it wouldn't have mattered if you did or not. Movies have happy endings, but life has real endings. You couldn't have brought me back, although for awhile there you did try. But ultimately I would have ended up pulling you down with me. There will always be what was. That which is, is how it got there. But what will be is no longer out of my control anymore. I've become the master of my on bation. My role model is me. I'm starting over again, learning to walk on my own two and soon I'll be sprinting. I fall in love every day. I took a random picture a couple weeks ago in the city and I haven't stopped since. I picked up some stones and some metal and started wrapping them and didn't stop until it's looked beautiful. I hadn't written a poem in a year, and I just finished my first one last night. I've become a student again, of life. I've learned to be quiet and listen to that which is.
So I guess I just kinda wanted to say thank you and let you know that your message didn't fall on deaf ears...just one's that had a lot of wax build up.
Continue being you, and I hope you've only changed for the better.
kiss with the bottom lip; and shit on the hip, signing off
till next time
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Saturday, October 1, 2011
There is nothing that I claim to know, other than that I know nothing at all. In no way am I a teacher other than through my actions of continuously trying to be a student. I have no wishes to be glorified, only to be shown the light that is truth. Truth being that which is. Not the right and wrong that we have come to call good and evil. But the "is" that exist because it must. Nothing is here by mistake but on the same token nothing is here on purpose. Things that exist are because they are, and the sooner I understand that the sooner I can move forward. Or backward. Or just move...because in existence there is no direction other than motion. No forward thinking, no regressive behavior. Just actions that cause more to follow, like domino's falling. If there is a god the creator of all, I would say that he is nothing more than the first breathe or thought that started all movement that followed it/him. We see what we believe we see, because we believe that we see it. We are master creators who refuse to take credit for the universes that we manifest. Out of fear that god will appear and punish us for such blasphemy. But each day subconsciously we praise ourselves and smile at the light within us whenever we think god isn't looking. A painter creates a master piece, then signs his name at the bottom. A father sits in the stands and watches his son run 65 yards for the game winning touchdown, and to himself says "that's my boy". "My boy" meaning "that's my creation". But no one would dare say openly that I created all that I see, when technically all we're even seeing are billions upon billions of atoms mushed together and reflections of light that our eyes have taken in and given to our brain which has decoded, processed, and delivered in a means of understanding that somehow makes sense. But that's just fancy talk for saying that we believe in the most impossible things but wont believe in the most simple.
The idea of god is by far the most grand and improbably ideas to date. An entity that sees all, hears all, created all, knows all, and can do any and all things. A being who by most accounts created us out of loneliness and the lack of entertainment. Loves us and wants nothing more than for us to join him in a place called heaven. But he seems to also enjoy a great soap opera, because he also creates evil forces that any good story needs to keep you on the edge of your seats. Evils that will pull you away from him and drag you to a place called hell. A place he doesn't want you to go and has complete power of destroying along with all the "evil" in the universe, but claims that its a test. A test to see what choices you will make on your own with the free will that's he's given you...I just find it a bit redundant for a teacher who already knows every choice that his student will make, to then give that student a test...
It may just be me but this god character sounds more human than god-like. But we'll believe that before we even consider believing maybe we are god, or aliens are god, or even that Zeus is an alien who is god. Why is it that it's perfectly acceptable that a woman had a baby while still a virgin that grew up to walk on water and bring dead things back to life. But the thought that Peter Pan never gets old and uses pixie dust and happy thoughts to fly is preposterous. Why do we accept one with no proof or evidence but deny the other? If the lack of proof doesn't prove existence, why do we speak with such certainty?
I'm on a journey, going where, I don't know. I thought my quest was to find love, then I thought it was happiness and completion in my career. But now I believe that I'm just searching for inner peace. Balance in myself and the ability to breathe on my own, without the need of any outside contraptions. I stopped looking for love a long time ago when I found it and lost it, there's no need for me to search for it anymore because I know where it is and what it looks like. My career is moving in the direction that it needs to be as long as I continue to stay true to my beliefs. But peace, is the one thing that has consistently eluded me. But now it has all my attention. That which you are looking for, is also looking you. I can only hope that peace is out there somewhere in the universe pulled over at the side of the road asking for directions in search of me. And hopefully our paths will cross sooner than later.
I hope that we all can start looking for the things that truly matter and learn to ignore the distractions. We get so caught up on trivial things that hold no greater purpose, we spend hours of our lives looking at other people's lives when our own is a foreign country to us. We love being distracted, misled, and fed on by the monsters that capitalize off of complacency.
Nothing that I have said is any more valid than it is invalid. I have no proof to back up my claims, nor do I need any. Because if proven wrong it will only mean that I've learned something new. Something that will put me that much closer to where it is that I need to be. If I've become distant in personal relationships please don't take offense, just know that hopefully when we reconnect that I'll be better for having taken the time to myself. Because I can't love you if I haven't yet learned how to love that which I see in the mirror properly.
Don't believe in me, that's my job. Believe in yourself, signing off
till next time
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Monday, July 18, 2011
So maybe its because I'm silly...maybe I have way too much time on my hands...or maybe it's just the curiosity of my itchy soul. So I recently downloaded Lil Waynes new mixtape "Sorry 4 the Wait". Now before anybody decides they wana go in on how terrible Lil Wayne is to the music industry, please stop while you're ahead. Don't nobody care, seriously. We've all heard every bodies view point on the subject and the man is still a multi millionaire, which means people are still buying his music and supporting his work. Now I listen to Wayne, not because I like him, but because he amuses me. I find the things that he says humorous, and because I am an adult who can distinguish between entertainment and reality I don't think there's any problem with that. People who watch horror movies and violent action movies don't get criticized for it. Why? because there are ratings on the films and it's not meant to be taken seriously. The thing that does bother me though is the fact that this material although rated and regulated is still to easily attainable by young minds. Young minds who may not have that afore mentioned ability to differentiate between real and make believe.
So I've been listening to this tape for about a week now, and as far as I'm concerned it's a rather weak project. Sounds like Wayne made it in four days, no concepts behind it at all just his usual ramble bamble. I'd say out of 12 tracks there are really only 3 acceptable freestyles that could even stand alone as decent (only my opinion, please do not share yours because I don't care). So the problem accured when I was listening to the tape in my bed and happened to fall asleep. Man did I have some crazy nightmares. I can honestly say that Lil Wayne is responsible for the most evil nap that I've ever encountered...the only words that I kept hearing over and over were "Kill...Bitch...Money...Nigga...Fuck...Choppa". So I started thinking to myself, what is Waynes music actually made up of. I've long understood the formula to Waynes success. He rarely says anything new or inventive, he merely repeats the same lines in different creative ways. For example he says "It's a jungle out there bitch come and climb my tree" and then on the next song he says "Looking for a bitch to hop up on my totem pole" and there are countless lines that continue to refer to tryna get a woman to get on, climb up, and involve herself with a tree, pole, and any other long object that he can compare to his penis. And it's works! I'm not hating, simply observing.
So what I decided to do, which I now somewhat regret was to break down this mixtape and see if I could really figure out what makes it tic. If you remember the episode from the Boondocks where Huey decided that he was gona watch nothings but black television you'll understand what I was slowly starting to turning into.
Ok so this experiment was relatively simple, basically because I started getting really depressed halfway through and couldn't take it anymore. But what I did was listen to the mixtape over and over listening for all of the topics and key words that Wayne uses and I made categories and started counting. When people say that all Wayne talks about is "Money, Bitches, Murder, and Drugs" they are absolutely correct. Now I've come to the conclusion upon listening to the mixtape at least forty times, that if you took each one of those things out, the mixtape would be called "Sorry this Tape Doesn't Exist". So I'm gona break down my findings for you.
Basically I broke it down into seven parts. I went through the tape and counted every time Wayne said bitch, nigga, fuck, made a violent remark, spoke of drugs, bragged of his money, or made a sexual reference. This is what I found...
Sorry 4 the Wait
Now to a rapper the word "bitch" is pretty universal so I wasn't expecting him to only use it when referring to women. Because when talking about men who you don't necessarily respect you might feel inclined to call him a bitch-ass nigga, which Wayne does very often. It was interesting though to discover when he would use the word "bitch" appose to the word "baby". Whenever he was talking about a woman who had no connection to him (i.e. your girlfriend, a random stripper, or a fortunate unfortunate groupie that he decided to take down), he calls them bitches. Like "I just got you bitch some knee pads" or "I just want the baddest bitch up in the world right here in my lap". These women mean nothing to him because he doesn't know them nor does he have any feelings towards them. But the women that he calls "baby" or "shawty" are woman that he's slightly more invested in. Perfect example listen to "Marvin's Room", the first thing he does is give this woman an identity "Dana". and of the 80 times that Wayne says "bitch" in the entire cd, he only uses it once on this track. And even when he does it's a term of endearment "that's my bitch" and other than that, he refers to her as "she", "baby", or "shawty". Leading me to believe that Lil Wayne knows the difference between building up a woman and tearing down a community of young queens...go figure
The word nigga has been controversial for too damn long if you ask me. The lengths that we as a society have gone to try to bury the word have been ridiculous. But I've already spoke on that in a previous post...Here we have a word that Lil Wayne uses at least six times on each track. It's a word that refers to everything and nothing. Bitch niggas. My niggas, This nigga, Real niggas, All niggas. Wayne doesn't hold back when it comes to the N word. But then again there's really no surprise there, that's pretty much across the board with most rappers in Lil Waynes category (i.e. Gucci Man, Wacka Flocka, OJ the Juiceman).
Another words that it seems like Weezy brushes his teeth with. At one point the F in Weezy F. Baby stood for fucking. So we know how loosely this words flows out of his mouth. It's actually funny that the word fuck appears in pretty much the first thirty seconds of each track. Usually coming in the form of "ain't nobody fucking with me". Ehh, it is what it is...fuck it.
So we all know that Wayne enjoys himself his narcotics, so much that I was actually surprised that I didn't hear more drugs innuendo throughout the cd. Most of them were letting you know how high he gets, or how high he forces the woman around him to get, or how much he profits from getting his community high. He's clearly still promotes his styrofoam cup, just without saying it anymore, he just says "lean" now...progress I suppose.
So this category is the one if any that will be responsible for my carpal tunnel in years to come. Because apparently Lil Wayne KILLS EVERYONE...and whoever he doesn't kill he's got goons to kill for him. This tape is literally made up of line after line of choppers, gats, getting shot in the head, laying in pools of blood, wearing the color red, barrels with sweet potatoes on the end of them, friends walking around so strapped that it would appear that they just returned from Iran...so on and so forth. And all of that was in twenty seconds of a song. Lil Wayne even says that three words you'll never hear are come out of his mouth are "let him live". smh everybody dies...
So when he's not out killing EVERYONE Lil Wayne is apparently having lots of sexual encounters with numerous amounts of woman. Sometimes pleasantly and sometimes violently. I'm not quite sure if it's a hatred for women, or the urge or need to concur them. But he's clearly got an issue with them. Although he'll never kill one...unless of course if she happens to be a witness in one of his cases...then in that situation, sure off with her head. But this entire cd screams raped and abusive sex. There was one line where home boy said "the game is a bitch, hold her down and rape her"...I don't understand how this can possibly be acceptable. But then in the very next track Wayne repeatedly says "hit a bitch with a car bomb". So if he's not having sex with them, then women fall under the only other category that exist in Wayne lexicon...which involves him killing them in some way shape or fashion.
Surprisingly on this tape one thing you don't really hear much of is the abundance of money Lil Wayne has spent, thrown in the air, or used to wipe his ass. My theory is that we all already know how much money he and his baby daddy has so there's no longer a need to advertise it on every song. I mean he'll occasionally mention that you ain't never seen a watch like this or this is a one in one and I'm the only one who got it type line. But rarely and I had to actually listen for them, they don't jump out at you anymore.
...so like i said this experiment was cut short mainly because I ended up like Huey after days of being exposed to the nonsense, I felt my brain cells slowly dying and withering. But there is one other subject that I would like to point out. We've all heard the homosexual accusations that have been thrown around the music industry, I just find it interesting that there are times when I'm listening to Lil Wayne and I'm tryna give him the benefit of the doubt, but then I'm like, damn son that was questionable. "I wish a nigga play, I'ma bust him in the ass. Say young money then fuck you in the ass..." 0_o
But there you have it, this is a long ass post I know, but I just wanted to make sure I shared my experience with you all so that you can maybe ask yourselves the same damn questions I've started to ask myself. If we took all of the killing out, and the violent sex, fuck, bitches, and drugs out of this mixtape what would be left?
But I wanted to be as unbiased as I possibly could be when entering this experiment and I had an eighth category. It was "Positivity", I didn't want to just do a post on how negative Lil Wayne was if there was even a glimpse of good on the tape, and the answer is...
Honestly on this entire mixtape which is relatively short for a Lil Wayne mixtape. "No Ceilings" had about 20 tracks and was 80 minutes long, and "Dedication 3" had about 35 tracks and was 77 minutes long. This one only has 12 and is a total of 42 minutes long (which is even more crazy now that I think about it, I don't say fuck 72 times in a week, let alone within a 42 minute time span...). And in the 42 minutes I only heard three positive things. And they were on the very last track which was his outro where he normally just rambles and thanks a bunch of people. But as he was going down his list, I heard him say that he's found a new hobby, and my ears perked up and I said "oh really?" Then he says "my children are growing they're healthy and intelligent" I'm like well that's pretty damn good, then he says "and shout out to my mom she's getting married and she's happy" and I was like wow. That's it, three positive things I found on "Sorry 4 the Wait". And it makes me wonder if we'll be even more "Sorry 4 the Release".
This music is fine as long as you know what it is and what it does. Problem is if someone is repeatedly telling our kids to kill, kill, kill, murder, murder, murder. How can we be surprised when they actually do?
I need to listen to something happy asap, signing off
till next time
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Saturday, June 25, 2011
So maybe I'm back maybe I'm not. I haven't decided yet. I feel like sometimes all this positivity shit drains my soul and only makes it more itchy when I see everyone around me doing the exact opposite. Life is for learning, Psych wards are for the insane. Sometimes I'm not sure where I belong, because I see all these crazy people around me, then I remember that majority rules...so then does that mean I'm the crazy one?
Who has these answers?
I've got questions.
Everyone always comes to me for advice and guidance.
What about me?
Who do I go to?
How can you hate something so much but never leave?
I've been on the corner of Writers Block and Carpal Tunnel Ave for months now, and I haven't even thought once about packing. I've lost my inspiration to be awkward. I'm not depressed, I'm something else.
It makes me sad when I open my eyes. I smile every time I blink, because of the split second getaway that I take from the madness. Our society has long been indoctrinated in backasswards thoughts. We are the blind being led by the silly and it hurts to watch. In no way am I saying I have all the answers, but through logic and deduction I've concluded that we are on the wrong path. And in the words of the fat lady with the two kids in the tv store from Bad Boys II, "You muthafuckas need jesus!" and I don't mean that in a religious way. I mean it in a deeper "please follow your heart" kinda way. But I often ask myself what does that shit even mean?? I been on this positivity rant all through out this damn blog and I have to ask myself sometimes what the fuck? This shit sounds pretty and all, but what does it even mean. Is it the fluff in a poem?
Is it "her eyes were like a street light"?
Is it all just bullshit?
I'm asking myself these questions each time I've logged onto this account and considered writing a new post. I'm pretty positive that I write from a pure place in my heart. I don't do this to become famous, honestly I don't even like people. I find them to be very annoying when in groups. Group think for those of you who don't know, is when your ideas come from a collective instead a singular thought process. Do not confuse this with brainstorming, or the idea that two heads are better than one. Group think is what starts witch hunts (or I guess the 2011 version would be a Bin Laden hunt...). It's normally when you have a group of people who have just been tramuatized in some way or the other and they're all looking for answers. And they find the odd ball who looks suspicious because they dress differently and don't believe in the same god. And one person out of the group yells "burn that witch!!" or "hang the nigger!!" or "bombs over bagdad!!" (I'm sorry that last one was actually Andre 3000). That's when I don't really care for people. Because thinking on your own is fundamental. The weak minded tend to lean on groups when it comes to decision making because they aren't able willed enough to do it themselves. And it's easy not to think. Thought causes sweat sometimes, people don't like working at shit. Which is the reason the music that plays on the radio is so watered down and mushy. We're like old people with no teeth, we need our information pre chewed and liquidy for us to digest it. And for those of us who still read books or write with pens, we look like the crazy ones. Because I don't say "lol" in verbal conversation. I know several people who actually say "lols" instead of laughing. Shit ain't healthy! But this is the world we live in...Brain function is frowned upon. And I become more uninspired everyday. Many of you who don't actually know me in person might find it rather hard to believe, but I'm very much a pessimist. I have very little faith in the human condition. I'm not the person who believes in happy endings, sometimes babies just die. I surround myself with positive people because I do believe in balance. Most of my relationships are like Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson in "Unbreakable"...
Eh...But this is me losing focus again. Don't hold your breathe in hopes of my next post because I'm not promising anything. If the urge grabs a hold of me then sure. But these days the platypus patch needs new coats of paint and there's a bug problem in the basement. I'm not sure when I'll be back.
Listen more to the inside voices than the outside ones, signing off
till next time
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Monday, February 21, 2011
So as I sit in my room listen to Miles Davis and watch the snow fall outside of my window, I find myself growing up and maturing very quickly. This night was suppose to have an entirely different atmosphere to it, one of alcohol, laughter, and friends to bring in my birthday with, in some bar on South Street. But things, as they often do in life, changed. And I am now by myself, no alcohol, no laughter, and no friends. I've refused to allow myself to get angry with moments like these because they are far out of my control, and when things are that far out of my hands there is no point in mustering up any kind of emotion other than that of indifference and a "shit happens" to go along with it. Instead I look to the universe (some may know her by her other aliases "God", "Allah", "The Creator of All" take your pick), and I say "Ight, what is it that you want me to do tonight? Since you obviously disagreed with my plans". And I suddenly felt the urge to tell this story. This is a story that I've long wanted to tell you guys but wasn't able to because it had yet to run it's course until just recently. So on this night before my birthday, if I had to think back on things that have most affected me this year. One sticks out above all others. So here it goes...
Some time in August (and I'm terrible when it comes to recalling time so it might not have actually been in August at all. But for the sake of this story it doesn't really matter when it was so let's just stick with August...) I was in a place of self reflecting. I get in these spells of questions and wondering what it all really means. I was going back and forth on some things, tryna find new beginnings and struggling to write endings to old happenings. So this day in "August" I was with my mentor Greg, and he and I had been running around doing shows and performing here and there. And he was driving me to the Patco train station so that I could make my way back over to Jersey. He sensed that I was going through something so at the station he and I sat in the car for about 45 minutes talking about life and what not. When I got out of the car I still felt some weight on my shoulders and didn't feel like the train was the right choice for me at that moment. Mind you it's like 2 in the morning on 8th and Market. Everything is closed except for the Burger King and 7Eleven. So I walk to the 7Eleven to buy a black&mild and started to wander. And anybody who knows me, knows that I'm a wanderer. I will just walk aimlessly for hours and be in my own universe the entire time. I can't tell you what I was thinking about because I don't know myself, but I know it had to do with my purpose in life or something along those lines. When I made it to about Broad and Walnut I sat and watched the white people stumble out of bars and drunkenly hail cabs (one of my favorite things to by the way). And then a friend of mine hit me up and asked if I wanted to come over, and having no plans for the night allowing myself to go where the universe saw fit I said "sure". And I began making my way towards North Philly. Still not in any kind of rush or hurry kinda just walking at my own pace. I get to Broad and Thompson (and anybody who knows this street or knows Philly at all, at 4 in the morning it ain't the brightest idea to be walking down dark streets alone) and I turn the corner. When I do I see a very disturbed and irate man cursing out a car with his sneaker in his hand. "Stupid muthafucka ain't gona talk to me like that!! Shit I kick yo ass say some shit like that to me!!" and then he proceeds to punch the car window in. Now in North Philadelphia, this isn't an uncommon scene. Most natives would just advise you to turn around and find another street to walk down in order to get to your destination (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, remember snitches get stitches). But for whatever reason to this day I have no idea what possessed me but as I got closer, I asked "you good king?". This man, about 6 foot and very furious looked at me with the eyes of a rabbit dog, confused, and angry that he was confused all at the same time. But a moment later those same eyes were those of a 5 year old boy who had been caught stealing from his mothers purse knowing dang on well that it was wrong. He said to me "Honestly, I just need someone to talk to..." and I said "Well I've been told that I'm a pretty good listener." And we sat on the curb right next to the car and talked for about an hour. His name is Kenny, in his younger days he was an all star athlete all around and had a lot going for him. I could see a handsome man underneath all of the pain that time had layer onto his face. Somewhere along the line he'd gotten caught up, in drugs and shit just went south. He was on the streets here and there, shacking up at this place and that. When I came across him that night he told me that he had just asked some guy who got out of his car for some change and the guy blew him off and told him to get a job. "This ain't me man, I swear I don't break into cars. Times are just so hard! I see people living so well and I think to myself, life shouldn't be this hard for anyone." I asked him what he needed, and he looked down at his feet and told me that he could really use some socks because his feet were rubbing against his sneakers and they were starting to bleed. I told him that he could have the socks off my feet if he wanted. He looked at me as if no one had ever offered him anything so beautiful in his life. And we sat there on that sidewalk and I gave him my socks. I walked with him to the gas station across the street and bought him a sandwich and gave him 15 dollars so that he could stay in this home down the street for the night. After that we parted ways, I finally made it to my friends house and I wrote a note to the owner of the car with the broken window and explained what had happened and told him the Kenny was extremely sorry about what he'd down and I assured him that he did not steal any of his belongings.
So fast forward over the next couple of months I was frequenting the area because I work at The New Freedom Theatre which is only one block up the street from where the incident happened. And I was running into Kenny here and there, and I'd stop and talk to him give him a few dollars. He asked me for my phone number and he wrote it down in his bible that he was now carrying everywhere with him. He told me that I saved his life that night, and he knew that god had crossed our paths for a reason. I always helped him when I could because he seemed like he genuinely wanted to change. But the thought always lingers in the back of your mind, what if he's taking this 20 dollars and going round the corner and spending it on drugs. But I continued to give anyway. He came to me one day and told me that he'd found a job and he was starting soon and he was real excited, and I was happy for him. He told me that he wanted me to hold his Access Card (for those of you unfamiliar, its pretty much food stamps on a credit card), he said that he didn't trust himself with that much money yet and that I was the only one he knew would keep it safe for him. So I held onto it for him and he was gona call me whenever he needed it. Some time passed and he never called. I always kept the card in my wallet in case on some random moment I ran into him on the street I could give it back to him. Months later we crossed paths again in the same general area, he looked bad again. He told me that he relapsed and got locked up for a couple of months, but he was getting back on his feet again. By this time I didn't know how to feel, I didn't want to just brush him off like everyone else in his life but at the same time I didn't know what I could do for him. Later I realized that just being there for him was all that I needed to do. We had a few more encounters where I helped him out with a few things and then, nothing. He disappeared again. This time I felt like I'd done all I could do and whatever was meant to happen was gona happen.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I'm in Freedom Theatre (we host different events and one of my jobs is to directs folks to the appropriate rooms and kick out and unwanted guest), and this particular night there happens to be an event called "Mind of Men" where they are giving all kinds of help to folks, job hunting, legal advice, and so on. So all night I'm on my Iphone watching Lord of the Rings on Netflix looking up occasionally to point someone in the right direction. So along come two brothers standing in front of me, inquiring about the event. I glance up and see a light skinned brother and a dark skinned brother in a jeff hat. The light skinned one ask me what time it ended and I told him and went back to looking at my phone. Then I glanced back up to take another look at the other brother. And as sure as I'm writing these words I could not believe that it was Kenny standing in front of me. When I tell you this brother was sharp, he was sharp!! All clean clothes, some fly ass reading glasses, freshly shaven, and looking healthy. I got up and hugged him so fast, I couldn't believe it. Apparently he'd crossed paths with this ministry up in Germantown who'd taken him in and help him get his life back in order. He was a completely different man than I'd ever see him before. Even the way he spoke, with such purpose I was honestly impressed. We stood there and talk for a few minutes then he had to go back to the event. When he was heading out he pulled me aside and told me that he had to thank me because I was the reason he was standing where he was today. He finally knew for a fact that this is why god had put me in his life. I never felt so much energy in my insides as I did in that moment. It was like my child had graduated college or something, but here I am 21 and this 40 year old man considers me to be his mentor.
And this is where I am tonight, no longer the night before my birthday. 12 o'clock has come and gone I spent it writing a story about a man who just needed someone to talk to. Last year this time I was in Atlantic City white-boy wasted outa my mind up to no good. Today I'm feeling like I've rearranged my priorities slightly and can see more clearly having done so. I've learned from all of this that we never know what we are being used for, stop looking for your purpose and just allow yourself to be your purpose. I'm looking at life through the same lenses as always but just at a different angle now...
Remember to pay it forward, signing off
till next time
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Monday, February 14, 2011
Doesn't this picture just scream "LOVE ME AND BUY ME CHOCOLATES"!!!
Ok so I lied...
But I promise this will be the last thing I say. But in response to a comment someone made on my page then deleted...
@Ms. Holloway absolutely right you are. Only sad part about it all is that love and anything else pure for that matter gets tainted whenever capitalism gets involved. And the 14.7 billion dollars that was spent on this day alone in 2009 sounds nothing like love and more like a fucking genius business strategy. I mean hey I'm not knocking anybody with a good scheme to get rich. And it's so perfect it actually runs itself. Create a day and give it one of the most pure emotions "love". Then provide all the materials necessary to enact this day (at a fee of course, because Hallmark wouldn't just give cards away from the goodness of their hearts or anything silly like that). Then let people run wild. Most of them will automatically follow suit, and for those who don't they will be guilt tripped into it, because let's be honest if you're a guy and all of your woman's friends are talking about all of the gifts they received on this wonderful day and why doesn't she have any. She gona look at you like nigga you better start coughing up some money or I'ma go find somebody who will...smh. So it becomes mandatory for a man if he wants any chance at coitus that night. None of the other 364 days receive as much attention, he can love her till his eyes bleed on any of those other days. But this is the one that really counts. We never think about anything until we are told to. Some people don't think twice about family members until thanksgiving comes around. Or give two shits about struggle until February hits. Woman's wants, rights, and needs aren't important until March and so on and so forth. My point in all of this is if we really wanted to spread the love we'd take that 14.7 billion and put it in the stomachs of starving children, or into our school system, fuck how bout just dividing it evenly and making sure every homeless person has some money in their pockets...but those things aren't as important as celebrating a pagan holiday that involved a man being drawn and quartered (which for those of you how don't know what that means he was hanged to the point of being barely conscious, chopped into four pieces and his intestines where set on fire and his body parts where sent to different places to be viewed as an example). So I have no problems with people loving each other and celebrating what ever they so please. But please for humanities sake research shit and don't just listen to what you were taught in school. That will be all. Enjoy the rest of this glorious holiday :-)
I'm an awkward platypus goddammit!! signing off
till next time
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Sunday, January 30, 2011
I Can't Remember
by: Carice Zum Hofe
People tend to say
That remembering hurts
But forgetting is just as painful
I can't remember
Exactly what shade of brown
Your eyes were
I can't remember
What it felt like
When you held me
I can't remember
The tone of your voice
When you laughed
I can't remember
How your mouth tasted
When you kissed me
I can't remember
The sparkle in your eyes
When you looked at me
I can't remember
The curves of your body
As my hands traced them
I can't remember
Why we agreed
We were better off alone...
Baltimore was fun, signing off
till next time
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Monday, January 17, 2011
As I strolled through the park I noticed a broken hearted butterfly passing,
I stopped as I watched it crumpled away into the atmosphere.
I could smell the stale scent of dry goodbyes and the shackles of deception.
The silver lining in a raspy goodbye, is that curious hello's tend to follow if you keep a light enough heart.
...so I moved onward and slowly into the twilight.
I looked up towards a heavens deserted of a single twinkle.
Shortly down the path I came across a beautifully bruised rose.
I wanted to approach her but...
I could sense that some mischievous critter had disguised itself and landed on her petals before I'd arrived
And I wasn't exactly sure how to bring myself to her
I removed my jacket, rolled up my sleeves and showed her my heart so that she could see the honesty in my soul; no disguises here.
She quivered as I sat down, and I felt a warm fear come over her.
Not sure what this new experience would bring her.
But there was welcome in her nervous.
I was afraid to smile at her, because I knew that it would remind her of a shadowy past.
But at that moment a dragonfly land on my collar bone above my right breast.
I recalled the symbolism behind these beautiful insects; adult dragonflies life spans are no more than three months and as fast as their wings flutter, their bodies, their core seem not to move at all and if so they do with such purpose. With such little time they must always live in the moment and trust that they'll regret nothing.
Life is for living, not regretting that which has already passed.
At that very moment a star fell from above and landed in my lap,
I handed it to her, hoping that her intuition would give me a clean bill of health
Because this moment that we existed in was the only one we'd have of this kind.
My heart never felt so warm and full of purpose as it did in that moment.
I whispered sweet every things into her ear hoping that she'd understand the purpose in my words.
As we looked into each other,
I swore her eye's had wings like dragonflies
She and I were meant to be right here
And I want to be here for an eternity
My heart has never rested on petals as soft as she...
I swear I'll marry this woman if she'll have me
Two Dandy Crew, signing off
till next time
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