Friday, October 28, 2011
To a Long Distance Guardian Angel
"so you are crying for help from everywhere but you wont take the help that I try to give you... you have to want to help yourself first and you arent doing that. stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel like i am being hard on you but i have given you a nice reaction every time you go through this and its time for you to stand up for your own happiness and well being. you are waiting around for something to fall into your hands. its not going to especially not with the way you are doing things. one of the reasons you are unhappy is because you arent doing enough baby you have to actively seek out the things that you want or at least start thinking about your life in terms of things that matter to you or else no matter where you run to or what you run from or who you are with you will not be happy you will run yourself crazy for the rest of your life"
So it's taking some time but I've finally taken your advice. Sadly it took me pushing you completely away to get to where I am now but sometimes that's the only way that the hard headed learn. You were right, there was nothing that you could have done for me. It wasn't until I decided to stop sitting in my own shit that I finally stood up. Depression is an evil bitch holding a mirror, no one ever wants to admit that it's themselves that's been holding them back for so long. It always feels better to point a finger, "the world is fucked up that's why nothing goes right for me". It's so much easier, when the culprit is something that is really big and out of your control. Four years and I'm just now beginning to understand what the hell my problem was in the first place. I was too damn smart for my own good. Nobody could tell me I was wrong. And when someone finally did, it hit me like a louiseville to the back of the head. I was down for a long time...I created some great poetry though, and that's always the reason to stay somewhere for artist. "I'm depressed but my creations have never been better". That's bullshit, but hey that's the thing about hindsight. You can't have it until it's behind you. And now it's behind me. I've had many things that I've loved and wanted to do with my life, but never did because the thought of failing again constantly haunted me. And you can't fail if you never try, right? I've used every distraction possible to fill the space in my life drugs, sex, sleep, and the list goes on. But I can say that the most sobering moment I've ever had was from the very bottom looking up. Looking up at all the possibilities. Things that could be. Everything is a step up when you wake up in hell. I remember watching 'What Dreams May Come' with you and asking you if you'd go to hell to find me and bring me back. I now realize that it wouldn't have mattered if you did or not. Movies have happy endings, but life has real endings. You couldn't have brought me back, although for awhile there you did try. But ultimately I would have ended up pulling you down with me. There will always be what was. That which is, is how it got there. But what will be is no longer out of my control anymore. I've become the master of my on bation. My role model is me. I'm starting over again, learning to walk on my own two and soon I'll be sprinting. I fall in love every day. I took a random picture a couple weeks ago in the city and I haven't stopped since. I picked up some stones and some metal and started wrapping them and didn't stop until it's looked beautiful. I hadn't written a poem in a year, and I just finished my first one last night. I've become a student again, of life. I've learned to be quiet and listen to that which is.
So I guess I just kinda wanted to say thank you and let you know that your message didn't fall on deaf ears...just one's that had a lot of wax build up.
Continue being you, and I hope you've only changed for the better.
kiss with the bottom lip; and shit on the hip, signing off
till next time
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