Friday, October 28, 2011
"so you are crying for help from everywhere but you wont take the help that I try to give you... you have to want to help yourself first and you arent doing that. stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel like i am being hard on you but i have given you a nice reaction every time you go through this and its time for you to stand up for your own happiness and well being. you are waiting around for something to fall into your hands. its not going to especially not with the way you are doing things. one of the reasons you are unhappy is because you arent doing enough baby you have to actively seek out the things that you want or at least start thinking about your life in terms of things that matter to you or else no matter where you run to or what you run from or who you are with you will not be happy you will run yourself crazy for the rest of your life"
So it's taking some time but I've finally taken your advice. Sadly it took me pushing you completely away to get to where I am now but sometimes that's the only way that the hard headed learn. You were right, there was nothing that you could have done for me. It wasn't until I decided to stop sitting in my own shit that I finally stood up. Depression is an evil bitch holding a mirror, no one ever wants to admit that it's themselves that's been holding them back for so long. It always feels better to point a finger, "the world is fucked up that's why nothing goes right for me". It's so much easier, when the culprit is something that is really big and out of your control. Four years and I'm just now beginning to understand what the hell my problem was in the first place. I was too damn smart for my own good. Nobody could tell me I was wrong. And when someone finally did, it hit me like a louiseville to the back of the head. I was down for a long time...I created some great poetry though, and that's always the reason to stay somewhere for artist. "I'm depressed but my creations have never been better". That's bullshit, but hey that's the thing about hindsight. You can't have it until it's behind you. And now it's behind me. I've had many things that I've loved and wanted to do with my life, but never did because the thought of failing again constantly haunted me. And you can't fail if you never try, right? I've used every distraction possible to fill the space in my life drugs, sex, sleep, and the list goes on. But I can say that the most sobering moment I've ever had was from the very bottom looking up. Looking up at all the possibilities. Things that could be. Everything is a step up when you wake up in hell. I remember watching 'What Dreams May Come' with you and asking you if you'd go to hell to find me and bring me back. I now realize that it wouldn't have mattered if you did or not. Movies have happy endings, but life has real endings. You couldn't have brought me back, although for awhile there you did try. But ultimately I would have ended up pulling you down with me. There will always be what was. That which is, is how it got there. But what will be is no longer out of my control anymore. I've become the master of my on bation. My role model is me. I'm starting over again, learning to walk on my own two and soon I'll be sprinting. I fall in love every day. I took a random picture a couple weeks ago in the city and I haven't stopped since. I picked up some stones and some metal and started wrapping them and didn't stop until it's looked beautiful. I hadn't written a poem in a year, and I just finished my first one last night. I've become a student again, of life. I've learned to be quiet and listen to that which is.
So I guess I just kinda wanted to say thank you and let you know that your message didn't fall on deaf ears...just one's that had a lot of wax build up.
Continue being you, and I hope you've only changed for the better.
kiss with the bottom lip; and shit on the hip, signing off
till next time
Internet, check ✓
Saturday, October 1, 2011
There is nothing that I claim to know, other than that I know nothing at all. In no way am I a teacher other than through my actions of continuously trying to be a student. I have no wishes to be glorified, only to be shown the light that is truth. Truth being that which is. Not the right and wrong that we have come to call good and evil. But the "is" that exist because it must. Nothing is here by mistake but on the same token nothing is here on purpose. Things that exist are because they are, and the sooner I understand that the sooner I can move forward. Or backward. Or just move...because in existence there is no direction other than motion. No forward thinking, no regressive behavior. Just actions that cause more to follow, like domino's falling. If there is a god the creator of all, I would say that he is nothing more than the first breathe or thought that started all movement that followed it/him. We see what we believe we see, because we believe that we see it. We are master creators who refuse to take credit for the universes that we manifest. Out of fear that god will appear and punish us for such blasphemy. But each day subconsciously we praise ourselves and smile at the light within us whenever we think god isn't looking. A painter creates a master piece, then signs his name at the bottom. A father sits in the stands and watches his son run 65 yards for the game winning touchdown, and to himself says "that's my boy". "My boy" meaning "that's my creation". But no one would dare say openly that I created all that I see, when technically all we're even seeing are billions upon billions of atoms mushed together and reflections of light that our eyes have taken in and given to our brain which has decoded, processed, and delivered in a means of understanding that somehow makes sense. But that's just fancy talk for saying that we believe in the most impossible things but wont believe in the most simple.
The idea of god is by far the most grand and improbably ideas to date. An entity that sees all, hears all, created all, knows all, and can do any and all things. A being who by most accounts created us out of loneliness and the lack of entertainment. Loves us and wants nothing more than for us to join him in a place called heaven. But he seems to also enjoy a great soap opera, because he also creates evil forces that any good story needs to keep you on the edge of your seats. Evils that will pull you away from him and drag you to a place called hell. A place he doesn't want you to go and has complete power of destroying along with all the "evil" in the universe, but claims that its a test. A test to see what choices you will make on your own with the free will that's he's given you...I just find it a bit redundant for a teacher who already knows every choice that his student will make, to then give that student a test...
It may just be me but this god character sounds more human than god-like. But we'll believe that before we even consider believing maybe we are god, or aliens are god, or even that Zeus is an alien who is god. Why is it that it's perfectly acceptable that a woman had a baby while still a virgin that grew up to walk on water and bring dead things back to life. But the thought that Peter Pan never gets old and uses pixie dust and happy thoughts to fly is preposterous. Why do we accept one with no proof or evidence but deny the other? If the lack of proof doesn't prove existence, why do we speak with such certainty?
I'm on a journey, going where, I don't know. I thought my quest was to find love, then I thought it was happiness and completion in my career. But now I believe that I'm just searching for inner peace. Balance in myself and the ability to breathe on my own, without the need of any outside contraptions. I stopped looking for love a long time ago when I found it and lost it, there's no need for me to search for it anymore because I know where it is and what it looks like. My career is moving in the direction that it needs to be as long as I continue to stay true to my beliefs. But peace, is the one thing that has consistently eluded me. But now it has all my attention. That which you are looking for, is also looking you. I can only hope that peace is out there somewhere in the universe pulled over at the side of the road asking for directions in search of me. And hopefully our paths will cross sooner than later.
I hope that we all can start looking for the things that truly matter and learn to ignore the distractions. We get so caught up on trivial things that hold no greater purpose, we spend hours of our lives looking at other people's lives when our own is a foreign country to us. We love being distracted, misled, and fed on by the monsters that capitalize off of complacency.
Nothing that I have said is any more valid than it is invalid. I have no proof to back up my claims, nor do I need any. Because if proven wrong it will only mean that I've learned something new. Something that will put me that much closer to where it is that I need to be. If I've become distant in personal relationships please don't take offense, just know that hopefully when we reconnect that I'll be better for having taken the time to myself. Because I can't love you if I haven't yet learned how to love that which I see in the mirror properly.
Don't believe in me, that's my job. Believe in yourself, signing off
till next time
Internet, check ✓